I don't. I don't even know where to start. It's like there's this way. This crushing thing on my chest every second I close my eyes and see it the screeching that just the sound of it all I can on. I can't unhear it again. Don't see the faces the faces of the people in the other car. Were they scared? Did they see it coming? Did they did they suffer? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I keep thinking if I had just left 5 minutes later or if I had checked my mirrors one more time or if I hadn't been so damn distracted but I did I did.  I was there. I was the one holding the wheel. And now now there's this hole, this giant gaping hole. When my life used to be I used to sleep, I used to eat. I used to laugh at stupid jokes now. I just exist like I'm here, but I'm not like I'm a ghost hunting. My own damn life. I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm sorry to them to the families to my family. My mom looks at me like she doesn't even recognize me like I'm a stranger. Maybe I am maybe the person I was died in that car too. Sometimes I wish it had been me sometimes.  I wish I had just just not walked away but I did and now I have to live with that every day. Every second it's like I'm drowning, but no one can see the water. They tell me it's not my fault. They say accidents happened, but it was my fault. That was driving. I was in control and now I'm not in control of anything. Not my faults like my memories. Not this skill that just eats at me like acid. I don't want deceive to move on. I don't deserve to feel okay. How can I feel okay when they when they might never walk again? Or worse, I don't even know. I don't know how bad it is. I'm too scared to ask to scare to face it. I just.  Just want to go back. Just one more chance, just to undo it. But I can and that's the worst part. I can fix it. I can make it right no matter how many times I'm sorry. No matter how many nights I like I like baking for a do over. It's done with sun and I have to live with it. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. The one who did this the 1 who ruined everything. I hate myself. I hate that I'm still here. I hate that I'm breathing and they might not be. Or they might be in pain because to me I'm not okay I don't think I'll everybody OK. How do you deal with something like this? How do you wake up everyday? Knowing you're the reason someone else.  World fell apart.I don't know.I don't know how to do this